I was trying to explain New Year's resolutions to peanut yesterday at which point he announced he'd be playing more trains in 2010.
Way to set yourself up for success, kid.
It got me thinking, though, about those dreaded resolutions and how many of us tend to set ourselves up for failure. Whether it's the gym, weight loss, kicking a bad habit or, in my case, writing every day, there's a reason most of us have broken our resolutions by Valentine's Day. Peanut might be onto something when he resolved to do something he could easily accomplish.
After neglecting this space for nearly a month, neglecting my writing for more than 10 months and overall neglecting my mental self, I knew any resolution to blog more, write more, be more would surely be broken by the demands of my kids, trips to Target and life's more mundane obligations.
So I'm trying a different tactic this year.
I resolve, in 2010, to be more selfish. Whether that means I write, I exercise, I schedule that massage or simply take a bath, I resolve to take time for me. I know it's vague and could be easily lost, but my biggest problem is standing up for myself when it comes to my own time. I, like many moms, often put my own wants and desires on the back burner in order to accommodate the other members of this family. This resolution will certainly not put a halt to that, nor would I want it to - caring for this family is my job right now and I aim to do it as best I can - but it allows me the opportunity to visibly show my family that I need to focus on the me that isn't mom for a little bit.
By resolving to address the root of the problem, the writing and the loss of the baby weight and that massage will come a little more easily. If anything, it gives me a voice that I can take ownership of. "Me time" is something, like "date night," I never thought I'd have to schedule into my life, but if that's what I have to do, I'll do it. Luckily, the hubby already tries to give me time to myself, but readily agreed to the selfish plan for this year (a sign that maybe he sees a bit of my mental sanity cracking under the pressure of the two kid adjustment?).
So 2010 is the year where I dust off those metaphorical high heels a bit more often and remember how good it feels to be in them. And if in the course of trying a few old pairs back on I realize they don't fit anymore, I'll happily use that selfish time to find a few new pairs.
After all, if the shoe fits...
Happy 2010! May it be filled with joy, peace, comfort and whatever version of high heels you need in your life.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Friday, December 11, 2009
Pausing
Life with two kids has been quite the whirlwind. I vacillate between feeling totally in control or completely useless and overwhelmed...often in the matter of minutes.
But we're getting there. Each day, I figure out a new trick for involving peanut (he's an awesome burper-helper), manage to cross maybe one thing off the massive to do list (even though I add 10 new things every day) and we haven't missed a meal yet (even if it is last minute take-out).
The catch? Christmas.
The 25th is looming large and each window we open on the advent calendar fills me with panic. We are staying home for the holidays, deciding we are not brave enough to make the six-hour-on-a-good-day trek to our hometown with a three-year-old and, by then, seven-week-old. This means in addition to the shopping, there will be shipping, cooking and baking as I work to fill the void of being away from family for Christmas. This evening I finally made my first purchases of the season (online shopping is my friend), but the list still looms long and is punctuated by being married to the hardest man in the world to shop for who deserves something incredible for all that he has been to me this year (seriously, what am I going to get this guy?).
In the midst of this chaos, I have found myself blowing off the lists, ignoring the deadlines and pausing to enjoy the little moments:
Decorating the Christmas tree as a family;
Enjoying the peace of a sleeping baby and pre-schooler in the car on the way home from a raucously wonderful cookie decorating play date with friends and our collective 8 kids, Christmas carols on the radio, the pink sun setting behind a wisp of charcoal clouds;
Watching the hubby hold a wide-eyed pumpkin on his lap while playing a game of Chutes and Ladders with peanut as I made dinner;
Giggling as peanut came home from school chanting "Luke to a lemon" (after learning verse Luke 2:11 during this week's chapel);
Snuggling into the sofa to watch one of my favorite holiday movies;
Sharing a cup of cocoa with peanut on a chilly afternoon;
A hilarious evening trying to get a shot of the boys together for the Christmas card;
Dancing to Christmas carols with peanut.
Although I want to make the holidays perfect for everyone and will certainly stress out about it despite my best efforts, I know that these quiet and lovely moments will continue to arise and I will do my best to hold fast to them, settle into the peace of them, breathe in deep their subtle joy.
To quote the movie above, "Tis but the work of a moment." And I don't want to miss a single one.
But we're getting there. Each day, I figure out a new trick for involving peanut (he's an awesome burper-helper), manage to cross maybe one thing off the massive to do list (even though I add 10 new things every day) and we haven't missed a meal yet (even if it is last minute take-out).
The catch? Christmas.
The 25th is looming large and each window we open on the advent calendar fills me with panic. We are staying home for the holidays, deciding we are not brave enough to make the six-hour-on-a-good-day trek to our hometown with a three-year-old and, by then, seven-week-old. This means in addition to the shopping, there will be shipping, cooking and baking as I work to fill the void of being away from family for Christmas. This evening I finally made my first purchases of the season (online shopping is my friend), but the list still looms long and is punctuated by being married to the hardest man in the world to shop for who deserves something incredible for all that he has been to me this year (seriously, what am I going to get this guy?).
In the midst of this chaos, I have found myself blowing off the lists, ignoring the deadlines and pausing to enjoy the little moments:
Decorating the Christmas tree as a family;
Enjoying the peace of a sleeping baby and pre-schooler in the car on the way home from a raucously wonderful cookie decorating play date with friends and our collective 8 kids, Christmas carols on the radio, the pink sun setting behind a wisp of charcoal clouds;
Watching the hubby hold a wide-eyed pumpkin on his lap while playing a game of Chutes and Ladders with peanut as I made dinner;
Giggling as peanut came home from school chanting "Luke to a lemon" (after learning verse Luke 2:11 during this week's chapel);
Snuggling into the sofa to watch one of my favorite holiday movies;
Sharing a cup of cocoa with peanut on a chilly afternoon;
A hilarious evening trying to get a shot of the boys together for the Christmas card;
Dancing to Christmas carols with peanut.
Although I want to make the holidays perfect for everyone and will certainly stress out about it despite my best efforts, I know that these quiet and lovely moments will continue to arise and I will do my best to hold fast to them, settle into the peace of them, breathe in deep their subtle joy.
To quote the movie above, "Tis but the work of a moment." And I don't want to miss a single one.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Great Expectations
Most nights, the peanut and I will "spy" for the hubby. We take up a perch at a front window and guess which car he'll be, counting the passing vehicles until the hubby finally pulls into the drive. During that horrible childhood witching hour, this game gives us quiet time together and something the peanut can focus on while I run back and forth into the kitchen to finish up dinner prep.
Tonight, with pumpkin peacefully slumbering in his bassinet, peanut and I took up watch. The day's clouds were receding in the gray sky, revealing a full moon hovering just above the pines. I pointed it out to peanut. He responded: "It's getting brighter and brighter."
That's how I feel about my new day-to-day life with two kids. It's getting brighter and brighter.
Adjusting to a multiple kid household has been challenging. Between the hormones, the new heart issue, the holiday, I feel like I have yet to have an opportunity to even come remotely close to establishing a new normal. I feel like every moment is a you or him choice between peanut and pumpkin. I feel like if I could just figure out how to get a 20 minute nap...
I know my expectations are high. I want to be back to pre-pregnancy energy levels. I want to be fully engaged at every moment. I want to have a clean house again. Unfortunately, my too high expectations often set me up for failure.
And then, today, after midday mayhem where I had to wake the baby to pick up the peanut at preschool which resulted in a very noisy carpool and a lunchtime where everyone needed to eat at the same time (and I have yet to master the one-handed PB&J assembly while nursing), I managed to get pumpkin down for a nap. I ended up having a lovely afternoon playing with peanut. Sure, I was exhausted and would have given anything for a nap, but the smiles and the snuggles and happier evening because he'd gotten some mama attention were totally worth it.
Like the moon that waxes and wanes, my confidence does, too. And tonight, it was definitely brighter.
So tomorrow, I'll adjust my expectations. Instead of assuming I can keep both kids happy and entertained all day, that I won't have to resort to television or pacifier bribery, that I'll actually be showered and have an empty dishwasher; I'll simply expect to have a day that's a little bit brighter than today.
"It's getting brighter and brighter."
Tonight, with pumpkin peacefully slumbering in his bassinet, peanut and I took up watch. The day's clouds were receding in the gray sky, revealing a full moon hovering just above the pines. I pointed it out to peanut. He responded: "It's getting brighter and brighter."
That's how I feel about my new day-to-day life with two kids. It's getting brighter and brighter.
Adjusting to a multiple kid household has been challenging. Between the hormones, the new heart issue, the holiday, I feel like I have yet to have an opportunity to even come remotely close to establishing a new normal. I feel like every moment is a you or him choice between peanut and pumpkin. I feel like if I could just figure out how to get a 20 minute nap...
I know my expectations are high. I want to be back to pre-pregnancy energy levels. I want to be fully engaged at every moment. I want to have a clean house again. Unfortunately, my too high expectations often set me up for failure.
And then, today, after midday mayhem where I had to wake the baby to pick up the peanut at preschool which resulted in a very noisy carpool and a lunchtime where everyone needed to eat at the same time (and I have yet to master the one-handed PB&J assembly while nursing), I managed to get pumpkin down for a nap. I ended up having a lovely afternoon playing with peanut. Sure, I was exhausted and would have given anything for a nap, but the smiles and the snuggles and happier evening because he'd gotten some mama attention were totally worth it.
Like the moon that waxes and wanes, my confidence does, too. And tonight, it was definitely brighter.
So tomorrow, I'll adjust my expectations. Instead of assuming I can keep both kids happy and entertained all day, that I won't have to resort to television or pacifier bribery, that I'll actually be showered and have an empty dishwasher; I'll simply expect to have a day that's a little bit brighter than today.
"It's getting brighter and brighter."
Friday, November 20, 2009
A Tale of Two Weeks
Where to begin?
First of all, pumpkin is a complete and total joy. He's a typical second child: completely laid back, hardly fusses, sleeps through the mayhem that is his older brother playing. He has a repertoire of faces from Buddha baby to the old man look to the sleepy smiles as he drifts off in your arms. I think he looks completely different from his older brother, although many of our friends say he looks just like him. He nurses like a champ, gaining four ounces overnight when we had to go in for a second weigh-in at the pediatrician's office. He's got the most adorable triple chin and the skinniest little legs. He hates diaper changes and gas. He loves the swaddle and sucking as a soother. He makes a lot of squeaking noises that make peanut laugh every time. He has insane neck control for a two week old. He's a serious snuggler. I even think his new crop of baby acne is cute.
I'm completely and utterly smitten.
And then, in the midst of our newborn bliss this week, I landed in the emergency room with a heart arrhythmia. I was rushed back before the hubby could get back to me after dropping off the babes with a neighbor. I was alone and hooked up to monitors, IVs, oxygen. Drugs were administered. A crash cart was wheeled into my room and stared at me for hours, "just in case." Tears were shed as all I could think of was my boys. My little men who I realized I hadn't kissed good bye in the midst of my fear and rush to get to the hospital.
Thankfully, the drugs worked. Thankfully, my neighbors are the best and shuttled my children from one house to another to the dinner table to bed until the hubby could pick them up later that night. Thankfully, the hubby is a strong man who managed to support me, care for our children and never question or doubt what he needed to do to care for our family. Thankfully, our family was supportive from afar and all gassing up their cars and mentally packing their bags to make a last minute trip from NC if we said go. Thankfully, I was home the next afternoon. Thankfully pumpkin took the bottles of formula offered him without a problem while I was at the hospital and for the 24 hours following as the drugs I was filled with metabolized in my system and were pumped and dumped. Thankfully, he returned to nursing with no problems. Thankfully, Dr. U, Dr. K and nurses Kathy, Catherine, Meredith, Whitney, Kurt, Chrissie and Felicia were attentive, caring and supportive. Thankfully, the diagnosis is more of a lifetime annoyance than a serious problem.
But God help me, those 24 hours alone in a hospital hearing words from a cardiologist that made no sense to me in the moment while being physically separated from my children were the worst 24 hours of my life. I have never felt so helpless. I have never felt more like a mother who just wanted to protect her cubs and was powerless to do so.
As scary as the whole experience was, it does shine a light on the blessings in my life. I am married to a wonderful man who took action, who has held me, who has wiped the tears that continue to spring up, who is a strong and steady father to pumpkin and peanut. I have two beautiful children, the oldest of which jumped into my arms and kissed my face "to make it better" when I was released from the hospital. I have fabulous friends who rushed over dinners this week when they heard the news. I have salt of the earth neighbors who I can't even begin to repay. I have enjoyed the most delicious moments snuggled in bed with the hubby and the boys each morning.
These are all blessings I was aware of and thankful for before this moment, but somehow, the harsh lights of the Emergency Room have turned them all technicolor for me.
Lastly, I am thankful to have this space to simply write it down, get it out of my head and begin the process of mothering in forward motion. Something I have to start tomorrow when the hubby's paternity leave ends and he heads back to work.
That reminds me of one more thing to be thankful for: my first week of solo daytime parenting is only three days long thanks to the holiday! Here's to an uneventful week three!
First of all, pumpkin is a complete and total joy. He's a typical second child: completely laid back, hardly fusses, sleeps through the mayhem that is his older brother playing. He has a repertoire of faces from Buddha baby to the old man look to the sleepy smiles as he drifts off in your arms. I think he looks completely different from his older brother, although many of our friends say he looks just like him. He nurses like a champ, gaining four ounces overnight when we had to go in for a second weigh-in at the pediatrician's office. He's got the most adorable triple chin and the skinniest little legs. He hates diaper changes and gas. He loves the swaddle and sucking as a soother. He makes a lot of squeaking noises that make peanut laugh every time. He has insane neck control for a two week old. He's a serious snuggler. I even think his new crop of baby acne is cute.
I'm completely and utterly smitten.
And then, in the midst of our newborn bliss this week, I landed in the emergency room with a heart arrhythmia. I was rushed back before the hubby could get back to me after dropping off the babes with a neighbor. I was alone and hooked up to monitors, IVs, oxygen. Drugs were administered. A crash cart was wheeled into my room and stared at me for hours, "just in case." Tears were shed as all I could think of was my boys. My little men who I realized I hadn't kissed good bye in the midst of my fear and rush to get to the hospital.
Thankfully, the drugs worked. Thankfully, my neighbors are the best and shuttled my children from one house to another to the dinner table to bed until the hubby could pick them up later that night. Thankfully, the hubby is a strong man who managed to support me, care for our children and never question or doubt what he needed to do to care for our family. Thankfully, our family was supportive from afar and all gassing up their cars and mentally packing their bags to make a last minute trip from NC if we said go. Thankfully, I was home the next afternoon. Thankfully pumpkin took the bottles of formula offered him without a problem while I was at the hospital and for the 24 hours following as the drugs I was filled with metabolized in my system and were pumped and dumped. Thankfully, he returned to nursing with no problems. Thankfully, Dr. U, Dr. K and nurses Kathy, Catherine, Meredith, Whitney, Kurt, Chrissie and Felicia were attentive, caring and supportive. Thankfully, the diagnosis is more of a lifetime annoyance than a serious problem.
But God help me, those 24 hours alone in a hospital hearing words from a cardiologist that made no sense to me in the moment while being physically separated from my children were the worst 24 hours of my life. I have never felt so helpless. I have never felt more like a mother who just wanted to protect her cubs and was powerless to do so.
As scary as the whole experience was, it does shine a light on the blessings in my life. I am married to a wonderful man who took action, who has held me, who has wiped the tears that continue to spring up, who is a strong and steady father to pumpkin and peanut. I have two beautiful children, the oldest of which jumped into my arms and kissed my face "to make it better" when I was released from the hospital. I have fabulous friends who rushed over dinners this week when they heard the news. I have salt of the earth neighbors who I can't even begin to repay. I have enjoyed the most delicious moments snuggled in bed with the hubby and the boys each morning.
These are all blessings I was aware of and thankful for before this moment, but somehow, the harsh lights of the Emergency Room have turned them all technicolor for me.
Lastly, I am thankful to have this space to simply write it down, get it out of my head and begin the process of mothering in forward motion. Something I have to start tomorrow when the hubby's paternity leave ends and he heads back to work.
That reminds me of one more thing to be thankful for: my first week of solo daytime parenting is only three days long thanks to the holiday! Here's to an uneventful week three!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Home
Pumpkin was born Thursday, November 5th at 5:30pm after a pretty easy induction. Easy being relative to labor, of course! He weighed in at 8lbs, 2oz and 19 inches long. He's eating like a champ, sleeping more than I ever remember peanut sleeping and overall just about the most adorable thing ever.
We came home yesterday and are settling into home life.
I'm sure I'll have more to say in the days/weeks to come as we recover, sleep and get to know our newest little family member.
We came home yesterday and are settling into home life.
I'm sure I'll have more to say in the days/weeks to come as we recover, sleep and get to know our newest little family member.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Three
After two days of 5:30AM wake ups, thanks to the time change, peanut actually slept until 7:15 yesterday morning. The hubby was already up, I was awake, but still in bed after a night of inconsistent, intense, almost more than Braxton-Hicks contractions. Peanut came running in our room, scurried onto the bed and burrowed next to me pulling the covers up to his chin. His eyes still sleepy, his breath stale from sleep, his arms warm around my neck as he buried his head into my shoulder. We called for the hubby and snuggled in for a few sweet, satisfying moments as our little family of three.
We decided with the midwife this week that if pumpkin doesn't make an appearance before, we will be induced on Thursday. It's strange to be so ready for pumpkin to arrive and yet be suddenly so apprehensive knowing the time I have with my little peanut is limited.
As much as his being sick recently has been a worry and a stress, it's also been a selfishly satisfying time for mama. He's been much more snugly and needy in an emotional way than he has in a long time. We had great fun reading stories and watching videos while he cuddled in my lap, or at least what's left of it. There was something sweet and reminiscent of his infant days knowing that sometimes, when he is tired and cranky and not feeling well, he just needs to be held by his mama to feel comfort.
Now that he's better and back to his old, active ways, I feel like I should take him to the zoo or the children's museum or the park to spend some good quality time with him before pumpkin's arrival. Unfortunately, every day past my due date has been exponentially more uncomfortable making it difficult to get to the bathroom, which is a necessity with an 8lb bowling ball sitting on my bladder, not to mention a full circuit of the zoo chasing a three year old, which I would define as "optional." Add in the anxiety of suddenly KNOWING labor is around the corner and wondering if I am really prepared for this time around. Add in the attempt to sort of straighten up the house before Grandma and Grandpa arrive this afternoon. Add in my hormonal roller coaster...
Instead of feeling guilty for what I can't do, I'm relishing in the small moments. The cuddle in the playroom chair discussing what peanut thinks pumpkin will look like. The rest on the bench in the park watching the leaves fall from the trees as peanut tries to guess which color leaf will reach the ground first. The silly moments that abound with this kid around ("I think he's going to be a lizard baby;" "Do you have issues, mommy?" "I can't bend over, daddy, pumpkin's in my belly;" "I wish I could be a teacher after I'm a truck after I'm a doctor..."). The jokes he's been making up that make absolutely no sense but send him into fits of laughter. The spontaneous hugs when he can see that I'm struggling.
As much as I'm looking forward to finally meeting and holding this little fellow who is currently causing me such physical angst, I'm almost more excited about the moment peanut meets him and our little family of three truly becomes a family of four.
And it looks like that moment is finally going to be upon us in the next 24 to 48 hours. Wish us luck!
We decided with the midwife this week that if pumpkin doesn't make an appearance before, we will be induced on Thursday. It's strange to be so ready for pumpkin to arrive and yet be suddenly so apprehensive knowing the time I have with my little peanut is limited.
As much as his being sick recently has been a worry and a stress, it's also been a selfishly satisfying time for mama. He's been much more snugly and needy in an emotional way than he has in a long time. We had great fun reading stories and watching videos while he cuddled in my lap, or at least what's left of it. There was something sweet and reminiscent of his infant days knowing that sometimes, when he is tired and cranky and not feeling well, he just needs to be held by his mama to feel comfort.
Now that he's better and back to his old, active ways, I feel like I should take him to the zoo or the children's museum or the park to spend some good quality time with him before pumpkin's arrival. Unfortunately, every day past my due date has been exponentially more uncomfortable making it difficult to get to the bathroom, which is a necessity with an 8lb bowling ball sitting on my bladder, not to mention a full circuit of the zoo chasing a three year old, which I would define as "optional." Add in the anxiety of suddenly KNOWING labor is around the corner and wondering if I am really prepared for this time around. Add in the attempt to sort of straighten up the house before Grandma and Grandpa arrive this afternoon. Add in my hormonal roller coaster...
Instead of feeling guilty for what I can't do, I'm relishing in the small moments. The cuddle in the playroom chair discussing what peanut thinks pumpkin will look like. The rest on the bench in the park watching the leaves fall from the trees as peanut tries to guess which color leaf will reach the ground first. The silly moments that abound with this kid around ("I think he's going to be a lizard baby;" "Do you have issues, mommy?" "I can't bend over, daddy, pumpkin's in my belly;" "I wish I could be a teacher after I'm a truck after I'm a doctor..."). The jokes he's been making up that make absolutely no sense but send him into fits of laughter. The spontaneous hugs when he can see that I'm struggling.
As much as I'm looking forward to finally meeting and holding this little fellow who is currently causing me such physical angst, I'm almost more excited about the moment peanut meets him and our little family of three truly becomes a family of four.
And it looks like that moment is finally going to be upon us in the next 24 to 48 hours. Wish us luck!
Monday, November 2, 2009
30 Days of Thanks
First order of business: Yes, I'm still pregnant. Due November 1st. Today is November 2nd. I think we can all do the math on that one. Appointment tomorrow to see what's what. I gotta say, I'm really ready to meet this little dude, but, apparently, I give good uterus.
Now that that's done...
Last year, I embarked on a post-a-day in November that I titled 30 Days of Thanks. Obviously, this November was not the November to go for a repeat since, theoretically, a new baby will be coming soon with all of his new demands and sleep interruptions and, oh yeah, the three-year-old will still need some attention as well as that guy I'm married to and at some point I might get to pee.
Imagine my surprise when a friend posted yesterday on her own blog that she'd be taking up the torch? I was truly touched and excited. Particularly excited when I noticed that two other blogs (blogs that are new to me) read my friend's blog and also decided to join the party.
YAY!
So, if you want to join the fun, simply try a post a day for the month of November that highlight those big and little things you're thankful for, like new babies or buy one get one ice cream at the supermarket when you're overdue and figure what the heck, what's another gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream at this point?
I look forward to reading them.
Now that that's done...
Last year, I embarked on a post-a-day in November that I titled 30 Days of Thanks. Obviously, this November was not the November to go for a repeat since, theoretically, a new baby will be coming soon with all of his new demands and sleep interruptions and, oh yeah, the three-year-old will still need some attention as well as that guy I'm married to and at some point I might get to pee.
Imagine my surprise when a friend posted yesterday on her own blog that she'd be taking up the torch? I was truly touched and excited. Particularly excited when I noticed that two other blogs (blogs that are new to me) read my friend's blog and also decided to join the party.
YAY!
So, if you want to join the fun, simply try a post a day for the month of November that highlight those big and little things you're thankful for, like new babies or buy one get one ice cream at the supermarket when you're overdue and figure what the heck, what's another gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream at this point?
I look forward to reading them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
