Thursday, May 14, 2009

Where or Where did my Confidence Go?

Oh where oh where can it be?

Not only have I lost my ability to finish a complete thought if an ant hiccups in the vicinity, to remember what I'm looking for when I've opened a cabinet or the fridge or the front door, to pee fewer than 50 times in 24 hours, to actually write this whole sentence in less than 10 minutes because I've been easily distracted by Facebook, a Pledge commercial and a bathroom break; but I've also apparently lost my mommy confidence.

Sure, I've gone through peanut's first two years at times confused, flummoxed, baffled, stumped, frustrated, irritated, and occasionally just plain pissed, but through it all, I've felt the underlying pulse of "I know my child" mommy confidence that got me through any given tantrum, sticky situation or emotional reaction (mommy's not baby's). Being pregnant, however, has somehow blocked the confidence pulse and left me with moments of "will I ever be good enough?"

A lot of it was the exhaustion in the beginning of this pregnancy just didn't leave me a lot of mental reserves for dealing with peanut's new no-napping, boundary-testing behavior. Now that some energy has returned, I feel mostly on my game. Until I just don't.

Today was just a tired day, all day. I knew as soon as my feet hit the floor (on the way to the bathroom despite my two middle of the night trips) that I just wasn't in it to win it. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I colored, no matter how many fun voices I did while reading the stories, no matter how well I pretended to eat the pretend sandwich and pretend milk peanut made for me, I was busy thinking how my heart just wasn't in it. And that made me feel pretty crappy. Not to mention feeling less than because I was finally doing the breakfast dishes at 4:30.

I know not every day is perfect. Not every day is even a quarter perfect, honestly. But knowing I'll be responsible for two of these little creatures and their growth into well-adjusted, polite, intelligent, creative, contributing members of this planet feels like a lot of pressure some days. Maybe it's the hormones. Maybe it's overreacting because I'm sleep-deprived and in need of another pee break. Maybe it's a weird sort of nesting and instead of organizing cabinets and folding onesies, I'm mentally sorting my short comings.

Luckily, today is just a day. And I know that even when I feel like I'm not giving 100 percent, peanut is still cared for, loved, snuggled, fed, clean -- we are our own worst critics, right? So I think I'll eat a little mint chocolate chip ice cream, fluff the pillows and remember to give myself a break.

Now if only my bladder would cooperate.

3 comments:

Goddess in Progress said...

Don't sweat it. We all have the days when we're just burned out and totally phone it in. And we all feel bad about it. But that's life, and we go on to do better the next day (or, maybe, the one after that). The kiddos are OK.

PLUS, you're pregnant. I remember how bone-crushingly tired I was when I was pregnant, and can only imagine how that would have translated if I had other kids at the time.

Enjoy the ice cream. :-)

CDB said...

I can relate to this as well. It always helps to get it out and blog about it (or it does me.) Some days are just the "take me away" days, as one mom friend and I like to say. And it'd be nice if someone did that for us, those days.

Mint choco chip was on my lips nary two hours ago! Favorite.

Missy said...

It's the pregnancy. Take it from someone who just went through it. You are such a good Mommy, if you weren't you wouldn't worry so much about these things. Peanut and ? are so lucky to have such a loving, creative, concerned, caring mom.
ice cream helps!